


Addams Family Tree

by Beastie



Category: Addams Family - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-07-21 21:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7406434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beastie/pseuds/Beastie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lynda answers a want ad and is pulled into the Addams family. </p>
<p>A look at a different branch of the Addams family and the courtship of Tictus (Tick) Addams. Original characters but based on the Addams family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Peggie Lynne

Lynda Mountjoy got fan letters or her alter-ego Peggie Lynne did. She dismissed them. They arrived at her work weekly, telling her how much the writers loved her photos and how beautiful she looked in the heels, holding a whip. Lynda did not find them flattering. She liked her work, being a model had been her dream since she was a girl. Not this type of model, her younger self didn't know this type of modelling existed, but she had fallen into it and enjoyed it. It was meant to be temporary work then turned into a five-year career. She ignored the letters not wanting to encourage any behaviour beyond writing.  
Then the police came, they crashed into the studio guns raised, boots stomping, shouting orders. Lynda dropped the chains she was holding. The distributor Lilly and the photographer Frank were arrested for indecency, Lynda was arrested for indecency and for assault on a police officer. The police ransacked the studio, taking cameras, the films and the client address book. After five weeks in jail, Lynda's modelling career was over and she was on the bread line again. She tried to find more modelling work but the other agencies would not touch her. An ex-fetish model pushing 30 with a record did not fit into the wholesome, young image most agencies wanted.  
"You could work with me," Her roommate Stephanie said one night. Lynda had just got in after another day of unsuccessful job hunting. She sat slumped at the table clutching a cup of tea.  
"I could ask Jim if he could take you on," Stephanie added putting on lipstick. Lynda shrugged, it was a possibility. She liked Stephanie, they had met in the jail, and bonded over being in the entrainment business until Stephanie's pimp bailed her out.  
"It's an idea but not for Jim can't stand the rat." Lynda sighed. Stephanie warned her about the dangers of freelancing and went to work leaving Lynda sad and lonely. Not wanting to be alone in the pokey little flat she grabbed her coat and headed down the street to the coffee shop on the corner. She spent her last dime on a coffee and sat down to search the paper for possible jobs. As she skimmed past the wanted ads something caught her eye. A strange little ad it read,  
"Wanted: Wife. Please contact Tictius Addams at 53 Belmont Ave. BN4 AD4"  
Lynda stared at the ad for a long time. It was obviously a joke, who would actually try and find a wife by newspaper these days, it was the 1940s for god sake. Still, something about the ad made her itch it was poking at the back of her brain crying out for her attention. She scurried back to her room and fished under her bed for the shoe box where she kept her old fan letters. Carefully looking through them checking each name she found him, Tictius Addams. She knew she had seen that name before, it was not a name you forgot quickly. She reread the letters from Mr Addams they were charming compared to her other fan mail, Mr Addams came across as intelligent, witty, peculiar but he seemed harmless. Biting her thumb Lynda read the ad again. 

"You think it's legit?" Stephanie asked reading the ad again.  
"Seems to be," Lynda replied stubbing out her last cigarette.  
"Belmont Ave's a really posh part. I've worked up there a couple of times, people there have two cars and pools." Stephanie continued. Lynda grunted looked over to the notice from their landlord they had a week to pay or move out. Stephanie worked hard but still made little, it wasn't like she has a union to complain to.  
"You think I should write him?" Lynda asked rereading the ad.  
"What you got to lose?"  
"What if he's a weirdo?"  
"he's advertising for a bride. He's a weirdo," Stephanie scoffed. "But there's no harm in trying, and it's not like you have to be married to him for long if you didn't want to be," she added smiling.  
Making a decision Lynda found a piece of paper and wrote to Mr Addams.


	2. Mr Addams

The reply came the next day.  
"Were your photos that good?" Stephanie laughed. Lynda cleared her throat and read. 

"Dear Miss Lynn.  
There are no words to describe how happy I am to have received your letter. I am a devotee of your modelling work. I first saw you cracking a whip and my heart sang. When I placed the advertisement, never in my dreams, could I have foreseen such a joyous outcome. It's like the rain has been brought to my life. Please join me at the Main street registry office at 2pm, today.  
All the love in my heart and my actual heart.  
(Mr Tictius Addams)" 

"Serious weirdo isn't he?" Stephanie scoffed.  
Lynda read the letter again in her head and put it to one side. He was serious, she had expected to exchange a few more letters before he popped the question. Although the ad had said wife from the start. She re-read the letter not sure what he meant by Actual heart and weigh up her options. She had contacted him as Peggy Lynn knowing he would recognise that name. She had not agreed to a marriage simply inquired about the advertisement and asked for more information, apparently, he thought that meant a time and place. She thought back to her letter and remembered nothing that could have been interrupted wrong. It really was all too much. She reread the letter, no one had ever described her as Rain in my life, it felt positive like a warm spring shower bringing life. The clock chimed one and Lynda made a snap decision.  
"Come with me Steph," She begged, clutching her friend's arm.  
"You're going through with it? I was just teasing Lyn," Stephanie mumbled. Lynda smiled broadly.  
"If Mr Addams wants a wife, it's his funeral," she purred. Dressing quickly in their best dress's or the one with the least holes in, together they ventured out to the registry office. 

They stood outside the registry office the rain beating on to already water logged pavement and splashing up Lynda's tights.  
"Maybe he won't show." Steph sighed, she was standing in the alcove of a news stand keeping dry. Lynda was about to suggest leaving then she saw It coming towards her. It looked like Peter Lorre had started to morph into Boris Karloff but got stuck halfway. It glided over to her effortlessly it's dark deep eyes fixed on her. It stopped inches from Lynda and glared up at her. Eventually, it lifted the right side of its mouth up and said.  
"Miss Lynn I am so happy to meet you at last." It said smoothly, it's voice sounded like a double base playing a love song. "I must apologise for being late the traffic was terrible. Trust me I am punctual in every other aspect of my life." It added smoothly.  
"Mr Addams, I presume," Lynda said after she got her breath back.  
"Call me Tick please, may I call you Peggie?" Mr Addams asked taking Lynda's hand and running his thumb gently over her knuckles, ending the move with a warm kiss. If there was one word to describe Mr Addams it was smooth, Lynda had to give him that. A little over 1.50 meters tall with dirty blond, carefully combed hair he wasn't much to look at, but he was damn smooth to talk to. "This is my friend Miss Neil," Lynda said pulling Steph into the rain next to her.  
"Mr Addams," Steph smiled offering her hand.  
"Enchanted Miss Neil," Addams smiled, not a bit taken-aback by Steph's presents. He took her hand and gave it a kiss. "and please call me Tick,"  
"Charmed," Steph smiled pulling her hand away.  
"Will you be witnessing the proceedings?" Addams added smiling lopsidedly at both women and taking back Lynda's hand.  
"There are some things you need to know Mr Addams. My real name isn't Peggie Lynn. It's Lynda Mountjoy," Lynda announced as Mr Addams gently massaged her hand.  
"Even better Miss Mountjoy. Or can I call you Lynda." Mr Addams purred.  
"I'm 29," Lynda added.  
"I'm 31."  
"I can not cook."  
"Do you still have the leather boots?" Mr Addams asked smiling. Lynda pulled her hand away and stared at the rejected horror star.  
"You honestly want to get married Mr Addams?" she asked crossing her arms.  
"Yes of course." Mr Addams Smiled.  
"On your head be it." 

The ceremony was as quick as signing a few papers in front of witnesses including Steph and Lynda was suddenly Lynda Addams. Tick Addams then took his new wife and her friend to a celebratory lunch at his favourite bistro. The Bistro was in the basement of a tailor shop which turned out to be a sunken building that had been built over then dug back into. The old windows had been re-glazed and looked out onto dirt the layers of soil making strips. The whole place was lit by candles the heat and the orange light giving a hellish feel which was hard to shake despite the friendliness of the waiters who greeted Addams happily as if payday had come.  
"So Mr Addams," Steph started,  
"Tick, " he corrected.  
"Tick please tell us more about yourself," Steph finished drinking the most expensive glass of wine Lyn had ever been in the same room as. "What do you do for a living?"  
"Didn't I say?" Tick asked looking confused, this was the first time he took his eyes off Lynda since they had met. She was starting to feel like the slab of meat on his plate. "I'm an Art dealer. I mostly work from home and specialise in surrealist sculpture but I have sold everything," he explained briefly and returned to staring at Lynda. He had a smile like a man asking you to sign in blood.  
"Art dealer? You must do well for yourself." Steph added smiling and wiggling her eyebrow at Lyn.  
"I do well. Most of my money did come from my parents, though," Tick admitted. He refilled Lyn's glass for her, then placed his hand on hers smiling smoothly at her.  
"What was this again?" Lynda asked taking her hand away from his and poking her meal.  
"Yak stake, with newt-fried potatoes and kale," Tick explained happily. "This is the only place here I've found that serves good yak,"  
As politely as she could Steph pushed her plate away. Lynda stared down at the meal. She had been enjoying it until it was explained to her, except for the kale. The meal was finished slowly and the conversation was kept on Tick, his parents were both dead although he visited them often, he did have a big extended family but they mostly lived out of state, he mostly kept to himself. Lynda started to feel sorry for him, wrapped up in his own little world not many friends to talk to. Well, he had a wife now, Lynda shuddered.


	3. Mrs Addams

Mr Addams... Tick's car was a black convertible Cadillac. The rain beat heavily on the canvas roof leaking through the seams. Lynn did not care as she melted into the red leather of the front passenger seat, running her hand over the dashboard feeling the opulent wood. Tick held the door for Steph before slipping into the driver seat, he paused to watch Lynn gazing at the luxury. She wished she was sitting in the back with Steph, she had always wanted a chauffeur.  
"Where am I whisking you, beautiful ladies, away to?" he asked roguishly leaning on the back of his chair.  
"We should go dancing," Steph suggested. Tick, ticked slightly at the mention of dancing but quickly composed himself and returned to his regular smile.  
"I know a good place," Lynn announced happily.  
"Oh shoot." Steph cried looking down at her watch. "I gotta be at work." she sighed. Tick did not bother to hide his relief he sunk down into seat his hand resting casually on the wheel.  
"and I should pick up my things," Lynn added.  
"Then you can see your new home," Tick laughed excitedly. The engine roared, the tires screeched and the small party flew into the road. Lynn clung onto her seat until her knuckles whitened. Tick did not just smile like a demon he drove like one as well. The things you learn about someone once you are married. 

Lynn clutched to her small suitcase, she had been surprised how easily she had managed to fit her life into it. She wiped away last remains of the tearful goodbye between her and Steph. The emotions of the day had unknowingly to her been building up and had burst out when Steph wished her "good luck". This was followed by about ten minutes of crying and hugging. Tick politely standing at the open door, holding Lynn's case. Finally, he became bold gently patting Lynn on the back and kindly leading her out the door. Back in the car Tick understanding Lynns emotional state drove much slower, letting Lynn stare out of the window at the setting sun and the lamp-posts turning on. After a while of silent driving, Tick started the conversation again. He talked about his work and his family. He had no direct family left, but by the sound of it, he had a veritable orchard of aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives dotted about the country. Lynn let him ramble on, about how happy all his family would be to meet her and studied her new husband. His sunny, friendly disposition was in stark contrast to his dreary face and undertaker like old fashioned clothing. His skin looked like it never saw sunlight and his eyes looked like he never slept. He had a gaunt face not helped by his nose that was pencil thin and seemed to be pulling down his eyes and cheeks. What he had going for him was the blueness of his eyes which was positively fairytale like and his smile. His smile although devilish was friendly and almost comforting.  
"Nearly there." Lynn heard him say after ten minutes of driving.  
Tick's... their home was on the very edge of the city, the last street before the city became the wasteland. It was the last house in a row of box-like modern houses, each had very manicured squares of lawn at front. Apart from Ticks. They pulled into the driveway, Lynn saw that Ticks home was the only one on the street without a lawn, instead Tick had allowed the scruffy wasteland plants reclaim their land. The house had an awning to keep the rain off the car, Tick parked the car, then scurried out to open the door for Lynn. She let him help her out, his hand was cold to the touch. It was hard to tell in the dusk but it looked as if Tick's... their home was a different shade of white slightly dimmer and grubby. So engrossed with her surroundings she did not notice Tick sneak up behind her.  
"Allow me." he chirped in her ear. He scooped her up and threw her over his shoulder in a surprising show of strength for a skinny man. Carrying her over his shoulder, her suitcase in his other hand he kicked open the door and carried her over the threshold.  
"You're meant to carry me princess style." Lynn pointed out as he gently but her down in the dark hallway. Tick simply laughed, closed the door and turned on the light. Lynn gazed over her new home. The living room was laid out open plan style, with the kitchen-dinner towards the back, large windows allowing a panoramic view of the wastelands. It could have been taken out of a page in Moden Homes Magazine but those show homes were lavish and comfortable. This one was empty and unfinished, the walls were bare brick and the floors plain concrete. There was a few painting on the wall, whoever painted them liked black and needed to talk to someone, in Lynn's opinion. A single chair was sat by the fireplace over which a few fencing swords had been hung.  
"You fence?" Lynn asked slowly walking around the room, her heels clicked on the concrete and echoed off the walls. Tick stood behind the chair watching her nervously.  
"I do. I was a champion in my Collage. I still win the family tournament at the reunions," Tick bosted basally. "Although Gomez gave me a challenge last year," He added wistfully.  
"Gomez?"  
"My Cousins son," Tick explained. "What do you think?" he added shyly.  
"It's very... underfurnished," Lynn said as kindly as she could. Tick smiled.  
"When I moved in there was all this ugly furniture. This room was wallpapered with white curtains and carpets. It took me weeks to get it like this," Tick announced proudly. He saw the look Lynn was giving him and changed his tone. "I suppose we should invest in another chair," he said shyly pulling a thread out of the already falling apart chair. Lynn smiled weakly at him and wondered into the kitchen. That was fully stocked at least, with all the modern gadgets and comforts she had seen in magazines. Not that she could or liked cooking but if she tried she had every weapon at her disposal. The cupboards and walls had been roughly painted varying shades of grey, the counter tops that were marble. Lynn opened the fridge and quickly shut it so hard it shook. Whatever was in there she did not want to see it again, at least none of it looked human. When she returned to the living room Tick was standing waiting for her. He had lit the fire which gave the room an eerie orange glow and made him look like a waxwork in a cheap haunted house ride. There was a wolf fur rug by the fire, Tick invited Lynn to make herself comfortable there as he fetched them some wine.  
"how romantic." Lynn thought sarcastically to herself sitting down with her legs tucked delicately underneath her. Tick settled down next to her. He handed her a glass which looked like it had been stolen from a church and poured her wine from a dusty bottle. The wine fizzed slightly for a moment then settled, it looked like blood and smelt slightly of tin. Tick was talking to her again, the subject moved to her. She answered his questions as vaguely as she could and politely smiled when he started to compliment her. Slowly as if she was going to bite him, Tick leant forward for a kiss. His hand on her cheek was clammy and his lips were cold and tasted of the wine. Lynn let him have his moment then pulled away.  
"It's getting late, it's been a busy day." She said softly. Ticks eyes glowed for a moment. "I would like to get some sleep." Lynn added quickly. The glow faded before he slipped backing to his smile.  
"Of course." he jumped to his feet and helped her up. "I put your case in the master bedroom." he explained. He led her down a little hallway which had three doors, a bathroom and two bedrooms. The master bedroom was just as bleak as the living room, with brick walls and concrete floors, at least it had black curtains. Her chase had been placed on the utilitarian bed, which had been made with army precision. Tick was standing haloed in the light of the door unsure what to do with himself. He took a ponderous step forward and kissed her again. It was just as cold as the first one.  
"I'll sleep in the other room tonight." Lynn said when the kiss finished. "Just until we know each other a little better." she added quickly. Ticks eyebrows knotted with disappointment but he smiled sweetly at her.  
"No you take this room." he said, he stepped out of the room and wished her goodnight. "I'll be just across the hall if you want me." he added hopefully. Lynn wished him goodnight. Dejectedly he left closing the door, behind him. Lynn slumped down on the bed and let out a heavy sigh.  
"Well Mrs Addams," she said to herself as she unpacked her case. "what do you do now?"


	4. The Smyths

Lynda woke up to the song of lawns being mowed and children playing. She pulled herself out of the stiff bed, stretching out all the kinks and knots from the night and shuffled over to the window. Peaking out of the curtains she looked out to the idyllic street she now lived on. The neighbour mowing his lawn paused to wipe his brow with a spotted handkerchief and wave at a fellow lawn mower. He saw Lynda, who waved cheerfully back, he gave her a disgusted look and went back to mowing. Lynda slowly lowered her hand and turned away from the window. What had she done wrong, she was use to being given the cold shoulder, but by people who knew her past profession. Here was a clean slate for her, wasn't it? She bathed in the grey bathroom, curiously she rummaged through Ticks toiletries, his perfume was named, "Mort" and came in a black glass bottle. She sniffed it and her nose hairs fell out. Still choking and eyes watering from the perfume she wondered into the living room where she found Tick, setting up the breakfast table.  
"Good morning!" he cried running towards her. He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "I hope you slept well," he added pulling out a chair for her.  
"Like the dead." Lynda scoffed remembering the lumpy, stiff mattress. Tick smiled not picking up on the sarcasm. She let him pour her coffee thick enough to trap small animals, he was bright and cheery this morning, wearing a grey cardigan vest and black slacks. She felt slightly strange next to him in her light blue dress. Tick disappeared to fix breakfast, blueish smoke came billowing out of the kitchen and Lynn decided not to ask. She took her mind off her impending breakfast by gazing out onto the wasteland that sounded the house. It was slightly romantic in a desolate way, she was almost sure she had seen a landscape like this in a Roy Rogers or John Wayne film. The large glass windows and french doors opened out onto a small decking, perfect for garden parties. She was planning her first cocktail evening when something in her peripheral vision moved. Slowly she turned her head towards the movement and screamed.  
"What?" Tick jumped out of the kitchen brandishing a whisk to find Lynn standing on her chair pointing frantically towards a tarantula bigger than her hand scurrying towards her. "Did Meek startle you?" Tick asked lowering the whisk. Lynn gave him a wide-eyed frantic look.  
"How can you be scared of a cute thing like Meek. He's just happy to meet you." Tick added striding over to Meek and petting it. Meek scurried over to Lynn's chair and dropped a ping-pong ball in front of her. "he wants to play." Tick laughed he picked up the ball and bounced it across the room. Meek's feet skittered on the concrete as it rushed after the ball. Slowly Lynn stepped down from the chair and watched in horror as the fat hairy spider proudly caught the ball and carried it out of though a tiny doggie door cut into the front door. Lynn glared at Tick who smiled at her giving her a kiss on the cheek before returning to his cooking. Keeping her eye on the doggie door she drank her bitter coffee and read the newspaper until Tick appeared brandishing a plate of... food. Deciding it was better not to know what it was she started eating and it was... fine, it was even kind of good. To a girl who had grown up on fried and ready-made meals a plate of unknown but fresh vegetables and also unknown but cooked from scratch meat was a refreshingly new experience. They started to talk over the meal, Lynn mentioned the neighbour who had given her the evil eye.  
"Mr Smyth." Tick explained, adding three spoons of sugar to his coffee, "He is a lovely man constantly saying nice things and giving advice."  
"Like what?" Lynn asked a little spark of happiness flickered, perhaps she would get the white-picket-fence, friendly neighbourhood life she wanted.  
"To move, mostly." Tick said. Lynn's little spark died. "Although him and I have not been seeing eye to eye recently." Tick added. Lynn asked why finishing her meal, surprisingly not feeling ill. "He wants me to sell him the wasteland, he says he wants to take it off my hands because he thinks it's a burden but I keep telling him, it's very kind of him but I simply don't want to sell." Tick explained.  
"You own all this?" Lynn asked pointing out the window at the desolate miles stretching before her.  
"Yeah I'm really lucky." Tick sighed. "It's worthless really, Mr Smyth keeps offering me twice what my parents brought it for, but it's sentimental to me. We spent many a happy family picnic out there, in the scorching sun, the vultures circling overhead, poking rattlesnakes, Mother would make beetle buns. We should go for a picnic, take Meek for a walk." He added excitedly patting Lynn's hand. Lynn smiled with her mouth only and agreed. "But later, I hate to leave you but I have to work for a few of hours." Tick sighed he started to clean the breakfast things Lynn grabbed his hand.  
"I'll get this you get to work." She said standing up and starting to clear up. Tick looked at her in what was intended to be a loving gaze but turned out to be an awkward glare. He gave her kiss.  
"Will you be okay on your own?" he asked. Lynn was about to scoff and tell him she knew how to be alone when he pulled a chequebook out of his inside pocket and pushed it into her hand. "I have to take the car today, but you can call yourself a cab, cash in the jar on top of the fridge, and go into town. This place needs you to put your mark on it. Find some furniture you like, maybe some new clothes for you." He said smiling down at her. Lynda gave him a suspicious look but said nothing. He kissed her again and said goodbye promising to be back by four. Lynda was left alone in the house, with a check book. Carefully creeping on tiptoe keeping an eye out for Meek, she got ready to go into town. 

 

Dressed up in her favourite clothes, looking and feeling good about herself Lynn stepped out to wait for her taxi. Mr Smyth was now weeding his flower bed. She skipped over to him to introduce herself.  
"Good morning." She chirped cheerfully. Mr Smyth looked up and studied her critically. "I'm Mrs Mount... Addams. The new Mrs Addams." Lynn explained, holding out a hand to shake. Mr Smyth did not take it. "Lynda." She added hopefully.  
"Rodger Smyth." Mr Smyth said reluctantly shaking her hand not bothering to take off his gardening gloves. "this is my Wife Emily." he waved a hand towards a fighting figure in a flower house coat striding towards them.  
"Rodger what are you doing taking to..." Mrs Smyth started Mr Smyth shushed her.  
"This Dear is Mrs Addams. Mr Addams's new wife," he explained. Mrs Smyth gave Lynn an old fashioned look.  
"We got married yesterday," Lynn explained smiling as brightly as she could, hoping for the taxi to arrive.  
"Well, hopefully, you can get him to sort out the mess he calls a garden." Mrs Smyth grunted, "and have him do something about that thing he lets roam the neighbourhood." she added bitterly. On cue, Meek scurried past pulling a rat behind him. Lynn ignored it and continued to smile.  
"Although." Mr Smyth said tapping his wife on the arm. "Mrs Smyth and I would love you have you two over for dinner this week. Celebrate the new couple." He said suddenly sweet like treacle. Mrs Smyth gave him a look as if he had just said: "Sure we'll help you hide the body." Mr Smyth elbowed her in the ribs.  
"I will tell Tick, he will be delighted he talks very highly of you," Lynn said happily. Her taxi pulled up and Lynn felt as if she had just been relieved of duty. "I have to go now but I am really looking forward to the dinner." she chirped scurrying away as quickly as social etiquette allowed her. Safely in the back of the taxi, she left out a breath. The pure uncut bile streaming off the Smyth's left her feeling unclean, but they invited Tick and her to dinner, that was a good sign right? She waved cheerfully at them as she passed, they waved back. At least she was making progress.


	5. Yellow Dress

The sun had started to set by the time Lynn's taxi pulled up to Ticks home. She struggled out of the taxi and scurried to the front door before her arms gave in. She kicked the door closed and dropped her shopping, realising a sigh of relief as her arms were freed of the weight.  
"Hello." Tick called from the kitchen. Lynn noticed the house had an organic smell to it, her stomach grumbled from memories of breakfast. She stepped further into the living room, the table by the windows had been set with black candles and the windows were open letting in the cool night air and every fly, beetle, and bug of the wasteland beyond. Tick came out of the kitchen wiping his hands on a tea towel which started to dissolve. He leant in for a kiss, which Lynn ducked away from, mostly because of Meek who was sitting on his shoulder. Tick looked hurt but did not question it, he looked past Lynn to the mountain of shopping in the hall.  
"I might have got a bit carried away," Lynn explained, rushing over to her finds. "Most of it is for the house, bedsheets and things." She added fishing out a pink box, "But I got this for myself." She pulled out her favourite purchase. Ticks brow wrinkled his lip curled.  
"Don't you like it?" Lynn asked holding the dress up to herself. The dress was a light yellow cocktail dress, with a fabric rose embroidered onto the hip. Lynn had been staring at it in the shop window for weeks. She asked to try it on, just for fun and it fit perfectly. One look at herself in the dress and Lynn felt like the woman she dreamt she would grow up to be. Tick and Meek exchanged a glance, Lynn thought she saw the spider shrug.  
"It's very... yellow," Tick said eventually. Lynn cleared her throat and carefully folded up the dress, deciding not to show him the bed sheets or the tablecloth she also brought. The dinner continued awkwardly, although Tick did not seem to notice. Lynda choked down the increasingly disgusting food and listen to Tick prattle on.  
"Mr Smyth stopped me today, he invited us to dinner." Tick said over the after dinner coffee.  
"Yes, I spoke to them this morning," Lynda said she had almost forgot about the Smyths. Tick smiled grimly.  
"He's never invited me to dinner before," he said. Lynda looked at her husband with his corpse face and odd mannerisms and stopped herself from being sarcastic.  
"They didn't seem like the friendliness of couples," she assured him. 

The next week in her new yellow dress Lynda sat the Smyth's warm, cosy home with edible food. Listening to Mr Symth tell her about the new carpeting. Tick was listing with a glassy-eyed far away look. He had behaved for the most part tonight, Lynda had to insist that Meek stay home despite his insistence that the Smyths loved Meek. Tick had been polite, charming, joined in the conversation, hadn't complained about the food, although he had made a face, Lynda was almost proud of him. A week alone with Tick had been an experience. Each day he would wake up and cook breakfast for them, every meal getting more and more exotic. Then he would go to work, for a few hour or the whole day it varied, leaving Lynda to her own devices until he returned to cook dinner. Lynda had tried to cook dinner once, Tick smiled and thanked her but hardly ate the food. Lynda had tried to clean and make the house look nice, Tick had come home and glared at the place as if she had demolished it all together. Anything she did seemed to be wrong, but he never scolded or got angry, he just smiled at her. So Lynda gave up on being a housewife until further notice, she spent her days reading through Tick collection, mostly Poe and true crime novels, curled up on Ticks, only chair. It was starting to get lonely, so tonight Lynda relished the other company, even if it was the Smyth's.  
"So Addams!" Mr Smyth said as the dinner was finished. "Let us get down to it shall we?" He asked rubbing his hands together.  
"Lynda lets let the boys speak business and clear the table." Mrs Smyth chirped pulling Lynda out of her seat. Lynda obediently helped Mrs Smyth clear the table and wash up, all the while listening to the boy's conversation.  
"I simply don't want to sell," Tick was saying sheepishly "I'm very fond of the wasteland,"  
"It's good for nothing but building Addams. Its desert filled with nothing but snakes and vultures," Mr Symth said, he made cutting motions with his hand as he talked.  
"exactly why would you want to build over that?" Tick chirped innocently.  
"I don't believe you're as stupid as people say, Addams," Smyth said through gritted teeth. "So I'm going to make one last offer,"  
Lynda dropped a plate.


	6. Coffee

Lynda followed Tick silently into the living room.  
"I still can't believe he would want to build over the lovely wasteland," Tick was saying he kicked off his shoes, the left one shattered the glass in a painting, which fell off the wall.  
"oops," Tick shrugged and turned to Lynda smiling. "Coffee?" he asked.  
"I'll get the coffee," Lynda smiled briskly and marched past him into the kitchen. Lynda stared at the coffee drip into the jug, clenching and unclenching her first. All the weirdness and the stress of past week was focusing on her left temple. The unpleasant, bleak house, the strange food, the cold looks from strangers. It was all becoming too much. Meek scuttled across her food, she screamed. Calming herself down she clutched at the marble. Then there was Tick himself, all the smiling, how he just listened giving no indication he was taking anything in. The amount of money Smyth had offered him popped into her head again and made her even angrier. He could not be so stupid. The sugar bowl was empty she reached up for the box in the cupboard and paused. Involuntarily her hand drifted over to the next cupboard and picked the red and yellow box, the one with the dead rat on the front. With a wide smiled plastered across her face, she took the coffee out to Tick, who was sitting at the table, Meek on his lap, purring.  
"Coffee." Lynda chirped putting the tray down on the table. She poured two mugs and slid one over to him. Tick smiled at her, as he reached for the sugar.  
"I have been talking to my family they all are so excited about you. Uncle Carbuncle and Arnt Cyst want to have us over one weekend. The mountains are really beautiful during avalanche season." Tick was saying as he put four spoonfuls of the white powder into his coffee.  
"And cousin Hyperthermia mentioned holding a party for us, which is really nice of her, her house is beautiful when it's not completely under water. However, it got me thinking that maybe we should hold a party. Invite the family and friends a proper welcome and a chance for them to get to know you. I've never entertained before it should be fun." Tick continued stirring his coffee. Lynda held his breath as he raised his mug. "What do you think?" He asked the mug hovering near his lips.  
"Yes. That sounds lovely," Lynn gasped, her stomach was twisted, she clutched at her coffee to stop her hands shaking. Tick smiled broadly and took a long deep sip of his coffee. Lynn started to lunge at Tick but stopped herself by grabbing the side of the table.  
"Whats wrong?" Tick asked reaching out of her.  
"Nothing... Nothing," Lynn croaked sitting back down. Tick shrugged and finished his coffee.  
"This," He said placing his mug down gratefully. "Was a very nice cup of coffee." He smiled brightly at Lynn who glared back her mouth open.  
"How are you feeling?" she asked studying him carefully.  
"Good," Tick chipped he reached across and touched Lynda's hand which was still clutching the table so tightly her knuckles were white. "I'm good when you are here." He added smoothly.  
"I'm going to bed," Lynda snapped jumping up and rushing to her room. Safely behind a locked bedroom door, she breathed. She saw Ticks feet under the door, he stood for a moment the left his shoes echoing down the corridor to his room. Lynda slumped against the door she slid to the floor and curled into a ball and fell to sleep.


	7. Let's see what you got,

The next morning Lynda was woken up by the sound of the raido. She pulled herself off the floor, dreading what she was going to see. She was not greeted by Ticks corps sprawled over the table but by his smiling face as he emerged from the kitchen.  
"Good morning!" he chirped whisking some eggs, it was always better not to ask what kind. "You look very nice today, you've gone pale," He said giving her a kiss on the cheek. Lynda stood staring at him her blood running cold until Tick kindly moved her to the table and sat her down for breakfast.  
"How are you feeling?" She asked as Tick presented her with today's mystery breakfast.  
"Fine," Tick smiled, pouring her then himself some coffee. He added two spoonfuls of sugar from the bowl to his mug and drank a deeply. Lynda felt sick.  
"Not hungry?" Tick asked as she stood up abruptly.  
"I don't feel well, I think I came down with something," Lynda explained, she was feeling sick, but it was no longer guilt but anger. He couldn't even die properly.  
"Is it catching?" he asked an odd glint in his eyes. Lynn pulled on her earlobe and clenched her teeth. The open window behind Tick let in the stale breeze from the wasteland.  
"Maybe I just need some air," Lynda muttered opening the patio door and out onto the decking. One part of the decking was over a dried up river bed, not a long drop but on to rocks and hard, dry clay. Lynda looked out wistfully waiting for Tick. He appeared silently behind her and put his clammy hand on her shoulder. She turned around and gazed up at him, trying to look as romantic as possible, despite feeling and looking like she just risen from the dead. It seemed to work, Tick's breath caught in his throat and he gazed at her in awe. Slowly Lynda stepped forward, slinking her hand round Tick's neck and pulling him in for a kiss. She manoeuvred them to the edge of the decking, leaning Tick against the rail. Tick was enjoying himself, although they had kissed before it had been chased. This was a long lingering kiss, his hands were wandering up and down her body. One found her arse and gave it a quick squeeze as if checking it was there. Lynda moved her hands onto his chest and pushed. Tick gave a little cry like a dog being kicked and toppled over the railing. There was a low dusty thud. Lynda risked a glance over the rail. There was a dust cloud around what was Tick, he lay spread-eagled on the clay. Lynda ran back into the house, sliding the door closed behind her, it would have been more satisfying to slam the door. She leant on the window catching her breath. Breath back she calmly cleared up the breakfast things, pouring out his coffee and the sugar bowl, refilling it with actual sugar. After cleaning she felt better and decided to get cleaned and changed, maybe go see Stephanie. She was just as she opened the bedroom door she heard steps behind her. Slowly she turned to find Tick panting behind her, his black suit covered in brown dust, he glared at her a dark smile across his face. Lynda took a deep breath and raised her chin, glaring back at him.  
"Alright Mr Addems," She said stepping aside and waving towards the bed. "Let's see what you got,"


	8. Jack Hammer

Unable to take another day alone Lynda invited Steph round for tea. Steph sat timidly in the sparse living aria observing her surroundings unsure of what to say.   
"It's big." She said eventually. Lynda Signed and poured herself more coffee, dipping her doughnut into it before taking a big bite.  
"I am meaning to get more furniture, maybe a coat of paint," She said giving her home a quick glance.  
"Anyway on to the fun stuff. How is Mr Addams?" Steph asked pushing her coffee to the side.   
"Still as weird as ever," Lynda shrugged.  
"But how is he in the husband department?" Steph asked with a wink. Lynda started to be offended then remembered who she was talking to and calmed down.  
"Like... like a damn jackhammer," She admitted hoarsely thinking back over the last few nights. Tick had taken the other night as a sign he could move back into his bedroom. Lynda did not mind as much as she thought she would, she was getting used to waking up greeted by his smiling face asking her to uncuff him.   
"It's always the quiet ones," Steph sighed knowingly.   
"Whats going on with you?" Lynda changed the subject, patting Steph's knee.   
"I've found a new job," She announced proudly puffing out her chest. Lynda clapped approvingly and pressed for more information.   
"Well it's because of Mr Addams actually," Steph said bashfully. Lynda said nothing but waited for her to explain. "You see I was going home from a clients house the other day when I bumped into him getting into that car of his. He saw me and offered me a ride, I said sure. On the way, he asked if I wanted to go to this place with him because he had some painting for a client. I said sure. So he takes me to the Red room, you know that club downtown they didn't let us in that time. Lynn, it's so nice in there the tables are all clean and the booths have this red leather on the seats and the bar has these big mirrors and all the booze you could want. So he meets up with this big guy who he introduces as the club owner. So Tick pulls out the paintings he's trying to sell the big guy who Um's and Ar's about them for a long time then he asks me. Well, these paintings just looked like a lot of paint splodges to me but the colours went really nicely with the wallpaper so I tell him that. He agrees and buys them. Then he starts asking about me, what I do and that. See he thinks I was Mr Addams assistant or something, so Mr Addams explains that I'm your friend and that we just happened to bump into each other. Then he turns to me and goes "I don't think you're working at the moment are you, Miss Neil?" Well, Lynn, I didn't know where to put my face, I wasn't going, to tell the truth in front of them but then Tick turns to the big guy and says "You're looking for waitresses aren't you Mr Hammilton" that was his name. Then he offers to take a bit of money off the paintings if Mr Hammilton gives me full-time work. And he agreed! I started last Monday." Steph finished she had hardly taken a breath during her story. Lynda absorbed the information quietly and sipped at her coffee.   
"He never mentioned this to me," She said after telling Steph how happy and proud of her she was.   
"Must have slipped his mind," Steph dismissed this breezily. Lynda was about to try and get more information when Tick crashed in.   
"Hello, Miss Neil how are you?" He chirped kissing Lynda on the top of the head.   
"I'm doing just fine the Red room job is going well! I hear things are going well here too," Steph smiled wickedly.   
"How was your day dear?" Lynda interrupted being trying to be cheerful but shooting Steph a warning look. Tick squinted at her, she never asked how his day was or called him dear, he was thinking this was a trap.   
"Fine..." He said a little unsure. He turned to Steph and smiled brightly. "Has Lynn invited you on Saturday?" He asked. Lynda froze she had been avoiding talk of Saturday.   
"Saturday?" Steph asked innocently giving Lynn as knowing look.   
"Yes, you have to come. Almost everyone is coming. We're going to have a big table, so many people are bringing food. Disturbia is bringing her famous buttered Kangaroo it's simply indescribable. And there will be music and games and oh it'll just be so much fun!" Tick cried happily rubbing Lynn's shoulder. Lynda pried his hand off her shoulder and returned to her coffee, not making eye contact with him or Steph.   
"It sounds like a lot of fun," Steph laughed.


	9. Chairs and Hairdryers

Three attempted fencing accidents, one fall down some stairs, an incident with a bus and Tick was still kicking. Friday morning Lynda put the finishing touches on her hair as Tick bathed. He was chatting to her in his normal chirpy manner.  
"So both Cousin Blob and her Steven have confirmed. Which is wonderful I haven't seen Blob since the court hearing," Tick was saying.  
"Uh-huh," Lynda mumbled turning on the hair dryer. The family party was tomorrow and just seemed to be getting bigger. Every day Lynda and Tick received phone calls or letters from Cousin This and Uncle That telling them how much they were looking forward to the party and what terrible dish they were bringing for the potluck.  
"Aunt Hominy is coming as well so I ordered more bleach." Tick continued scrubbing his foot with what Lynda knew to be a Brillo-pad. Lynda took a deep breath and dropped the hair dryer into the bath. She watched the bath spark and fizz for a moment then went to make coffee. Just as she was setting up the breakfast table the doorbell rang. Apprehensive in case it was some Addams's arriving early she slowly opened the door.  
"Mrs Addams?" a delivery man. Lynda though for a moment then confirmed the man's enquiry. "Sign here please Mam." The devilry man added politely, he handed her a clipboard as two other delivery man shuffled past carrying a large package wrapped in brown paper.  
"Just here please my man!" Tick chirped emerging from the bathroom, a towel around his neck and a slight burning smell coming from him. He directed the men to a spot in front of the fire opposite his chair. When the delivery men had been tipped and left Lynda joined Tick who was standing by the package.  
"Whats this?" She asked, not sure she wanted to know. It was basically chair shaped but she knew Tick had been in contact with an antique dealer specialising in medieval torture devices.  
"Unwrap it," Tick insisted standing behind his chair and tapping nervously on the upholstery. Lynda pulled on the paper it came away easily with a satisfying ripping sound. Lynda stood staring at it, her mouth open, the paper still clutched in her hands.  
"Don't you like it?" Tick asked after a while. Lynda pulled her gaze from the chair to Tick as he pulled out a thread of his chair.  
"I Love it." She gasped breathlessly. The chair was a squat lawson style armchair, upholstered in soft canary yellow fabric, if Lynda looked closer she could see it was patterned with yellow roses. She dropped the paper and lowered herself into the fresh smelling upholstery, running her hands over the fabric on the arms.  
"How... how did you choose this?" Lynda asked generally surprised at the competence Tick had displayed.  
"I'll be honest I asked Miss Neil to help me choose the style, but I did pick the colour," He explained as if he was scared of losing his brownie points.  
"Meek is not allowed on here," Lynda ordered. Tick laughed and turned to Meek who was chewing on a squeaky ball in his basket.  
"You hear that buddy this is an arachnid free zone," he joked Lynda gracefully rose from the chair and grabbed Tick by the neck giving him a long kiss.  
"Thank you." She said honestly feeling touched that he would give her a gift so obviously for her and so far away from his own tastes. Tick shrugged shyly and mumbled that it was nothing. Lynda disagreed by kissing him again.  
"We need to get ready for tomorrow," Tick mumbled.  
"Breakfast first," Lynda said waking Tick over to the table and pouring him a coffee. "Then we can start the preparations,"  
Tick smiled wickedly.  
"I can't wait for you to meet everyone,"


	10. The Big party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Addams gather for a party.

Saturday arrived, the waves of Addams's started to roll in about mid-day and by three the house and waste land beyond was buzzing with people of every shape and colour imaginable. Lynda was induced people to Uncle This and Cousin That. There was the Twins who shared a pair of legs, Aunt Phillip who complained about the difficulty of finding gloves with 13 fingers, and a couple who introduced her to their baby who was just a ball of hair. There was too much for Lynda to take in, she drank the most expensive wine and smiled weakly to the couple that would be 1.5 meters if they stood on each other's shoulders, they introduced themselves as the Greys. Still, the atmosphere was practically jolly. All the guests had embraced Lynda enthusiastically, Cousin Harpy had been so enthusiastic Lynda's spine cracked. She had been showered with gifts, some of them beautiful, others she couldn't identify but it was still a nice thought. Tick had been right about the food, almost every guest had arrived armed with dishes or bottles from every corner of the globe. In the river bed behind Ticks house a gazebo had been erected for the food table dinner and a square of linoleum had been nailed onto the dried mud as a dance floor. When the sun started to set hundreds of candles were lit, all melting together in mounds of wax, dripping down the rocks, bottle and skulls. Some relatives had brought instruments, violins, a harpsichord, a harp, a harmonica, a guitar and interments Lynda did not know the names of, came together in as the unrehearsed, improvised band. The music had to be described as interesting if you were being kind but it had a beat and rhythm and people were dancing. Even Stephenie was having fun, Lynda had originally not wanted to invite her, but now she was glad to have a friend. When she last saw Steph she had been getting friendly with one of the better-looking cousin Weekly Addams. The band started playing a song Lynn knew. Five wines deep and enthused by the happy people around her, she pulled Tick onto the linoleum and tried to get him to wrap his arms around her waist. Tick's mussels stiffened he shuffled about staring down at his feet.   
"You lose something?" She snapped.   
"I just can't seem to get the hang of dancing," Tick mumbled. "It's a bit of a problem for me." He added shyly pulling on his ear.   
"Here." Lynn forcibly pulled Ticks arm around her and took his other hand in hers. "Head up, keep eye contact and follow me," She ordered. Tick's eyes gleamed, he nodded wordlessly. Lynn started to move them around the floor trying to keep them in time despite Tick's twitching and tripping over his own feet.   
"Can you calm down and stop trying to look at your feet," Lynn ordered. Ticks eyes flicked back up to her and he smiled.   
"I would do anything you tell me," he whispered hoarsely. Lynn stopped trying to move them around the floor, and they stood in place slightly swaying. "Happy darling?" Tick asked sincerely.   
"No," Lynn said honestly Tick gave her a watery-eyed look so she elaborated. "But I haven't been for a while even before we married. Some days are better, even being with you there are better days, but others days I look at you and want to wring your neck. I put rat poison in your coffee." Lynn admitted bitterly.   
"I was touched you knew how I like it." Tick sighed happily.   
Lynn sighed heavily and buried her face into his shirt and started listing the ways she had tried to dispose of Tick over the weeks. "It's been so fun." Tick sighed whimsically. Lynn pulled away and glared at him so long even Tick started to feel awkward.   
"I don't know if we will last Tick. It was started on a spur of the moment decision and I can't tell you yet if it was a good one. To be honest at moments you make my skin crawl, you're like a carbuncle, you're growing on me but you're not irritating enough to have you removed yet." Lynn explained. Tick stared at her in awe.   
"That's a beautiful thing to say," he gasps, the stars shining in his eyes. Lynn laughed, she laughed loud and manically, shaking, unable to stand she clung to Tick for support.   
"Come here." She almost screamed and planted a kiss his lips.   
"Addams!" the cry came from the direction of the street, half the guests turned to see who wanted them. Mr Smyth was carefully sliding his way down to the river bed. Mrs Smyth watching them from the safe side of her fence like an avenging angel. Tick waved joyfully at his neighbour as Mr Smyth marched towards him. "Don't you start!" Mr Smyth snapped as Tick readied himself to greet Mr Smyth warmly. "What is all this?" Mr Smyth waved at the surrounding party.   
"It's our wedding celebration, we sent you an invite," Tick explained carefully as if talking to a confused child.   
"Do you realise what time it is?" Smyth continued ignoring Tick's reasonable explanation. Tick looked at his watch, he never bothered to turn it back an hour for daylight savings.   
"It's midnight," Tick said. Momentarily derailed Mr Smyth checked his own watch, then shook his head angrily and returned to his train of self-righteousness. "You can not do this, this is a residential area! You can not let these freaks... infest this decent neighbourhood!"   
"And this is Ticks land, you are trespassing," Lynda stepped forward stepping in front of Tick protectively. Mr Smyth looked around him at the dark faces frowning and more worryingly smiling at him. There was no music now the crowd around him was deathly quite. Without a word, he turned on his heel and scrambled as quickly as he could back up to his home. Lynda watched him fall over his fence before turning to Tick and saying.   
"He's going to call the police isn't he?"   
"Yes," Tick confirmed. "The police are coming people," Tick called to the crowd. There was a cheer and the music started up again. Lynda laughed as Tick was engulfed by his family, he reached out his hand for her. With a smile, she took it and let Tick pull her into the Addams.


End file.
